Whoo! It’s almost time for tonight’s Totally Important Presidential Debate, and me (Alli Katz) and my co-worker (Daniel “Dmac” McQuade) are ready to make fun of the presidential candidates ’til we puke. I’m ready to eat pizza.
We’ll both be liveblogging in this post and doing other posts throughout the evening.
7:35 — Yes, right now we’re watching Family Guy. This is much more entertaining than the debate will be, no doubt.
7:54 — I wonder if the debate will be in HD? Wheel of Fortune is in HD right now.
7:59 — Here’s one of those fancy other posts!
8:01 — Pizza’s here!
8:02 — Also: Not in HD. Also: This debate is on Facebook, apparently.
8:10 — Charlie Gibson really loves the Constitution. Props for putting them on the spot right away and making them feel awkward — anything that makes politicians awkward is a good thing.
8:11 — CRYING SHOT OF CHELSEA! Chelsea cried to win Pennsylvania.
8:14 — Hillary just said her father was a factory worker who walked both ways uphill to school and had no feet. In other words: Bruce Springsteen might support Barack Obama, but Hillary was born in a small town.
8:17 — Ooh, Hillary just almost said “Yes we can!” and “Coalition of the willing.”
8:23 — Man, this debate is like the Greatest Hits of Obama Gaffes of the campaign. We’ve touched on “bitter” and Jeremiah Wright. We’re really taking on the issues tonight, as you know.
8:27 — Clinton just said she was from New York City. (“My city was attacked on 9/11,” etc.) This is a lie, of course, she’s actually from Scranton, Pa., Evanston, Ill., Chicago, Westchester, N.Y., Washington and Little Rock, Ark.
8:29 — Obama wants to move past these awkward questions that are not about anything that could help him. I think.
8:33 — George S. (I’m not looking up that asshole’s name) just asked Obama if Jeremiah Wright as as patriotic as him. He actually just fucking asked that. He really did! This is a presidential debate about who gets to be the leader of the world, in essence. But Boy George just asked if Obama thought Obama’s pastor was more patriotic or as patriotic as him. GOD DAMN AMERICA, INDEED.
8:35 — Hillary is also from Bosnia.
8:36 — Alli and I are right now optimistic. We’re waiting for the change train to head to Hopeville and start asking some real fucking questions. GAH.
8:42 — You have got to fucking kidding me. This is the worst debate in world history. George — who has more makeup on than Hillary, mind you — just asked Obama about Bill Ayers, a member of the Weather Underground, and Hillary is eating it all up. She really is!
8:43 — Bill Ayers! Who no one knew who he was a few minutes ago! Is now a major campaign issue! Thank you, ABC Democratic Debate.
WORST DEBATE EVER
8:46 — Barack Obama just said he’s looking forward to debating John McCain. Personally, I’m looking forward to when he debates Hillary later tonight.
8:50 — This commercial is about caring about the issues. It is way more substantive than anything in this debate so far.
8:51 — Ooh, George S. has McCain on this weekend! Hopefully he will die a horrible death beforehand, because right now that dude is doing his best to help ruin America.
8:54 — Michael Nutter is next to Wesley Clark! Charlie Gibson is now asking Hillary really whiny questions about Iraq; these questions are, however, about a billion times better than anything else that’s been asked so far.
8:56 — Alli and I are both very complementary of both the candidates’ looks tonight, which is way more important than most of the things they’ve talked about so far. Charlie Gibson continues to ask ridiculous questions attempting to make Walnuts McCain president. All together now: GAH.
8:59 — THE ISRAEL QUESTION.
9:00 — Ha ha, Obama begins counting with his thumb. Alli says that’s the European way. PRESIDENT EUROPE WHY DO YOU WANT TO BETRAY US???
9:03 — Hillary Clinton keeps mentioning 9/11. She’s running on the Rudy Guiliani platform!
9:04 — George S. just said we’re getting to the economy, which is the number one issue on Americans’ minds, he says. And we’re just getting to it now!
9:05 — Hillary just said “Read my lips, no new taxes.” Or something like that. And she plugged her website again!
9:09 — Oh, now we’re talking about issues, but they’re complex tax ones that nobody understands. Thanks, ABC!
9:11 — You guys know how seriously I take things around here (i.e. not very) and Alli is not too much different (though she secretly wants to be a politician — for example, she just yelled something about why we should raise the capital gains tax). Anyway, yes, me, the Court Jester of the Philadelphia Blogosphere is disgusted by this debate. I’m really going to go vomit now.
9:15 — Whoo! Taxes! “Let me finish my point here, Charlie.” God dammit. What the hell is going on? Who understands supply-side economics? I went to the freaking fourth-ranked school in the nation and I don’t! (Okay, so I never went to class. So what?) This is the first issue that might effect me they’ve talked about tonight — over an hour in — and it still sucks.
9:17 — Holy shit. The five seconds of this debate that are at all relevant are about … Social Security! Still so boring. But exciting that the candidates decided to talk about it even though Charlie Gibson wanted to ask more about flags, hating America and Obama having a gay lover.
9:23 — Best commercial of the night. Are you a serial complainer? I am!
9:25 — Virginia Tech question! Geeze, this took a while.
9:27 — Hillary just called something “mentally challenged.” I don’t know what, I stopped paying attention like 25 years ago.
9:28 — Clinton is only talking to members of the Democratic party who hunt. And now Obama is going to comment on cases coming up before the Supreme Court right now! Once again, this is really relevant!
9:29 — Comment of the night: “maybe this debate will be like last night’s phillies game… nothing good will happen for the first 2hrs and then in the last 5 minutes all hell will break loose.” Agreed, 100 percent. Though I am sure nothing good will happen tonight.
9:30 — Keep the handguns from the mentally deranged!
9:31 — Dick Cheney is his own branch of government! Hillary makes a funny! (She also said she was at the YMCA earlier this week.)
9:32 — Alli here is from the South Side of Chicago and currently lives in West Philadelphia. These have both been referenced a ton here tonight. Clearly, they are working for her vote.
9:33 — Hillary is from New York City! She writes for Gawker back when it was good! OMG it just keeps going and going!
9:34 — Hey, George S. asked his first interesting and informative question of the night. That doesn’t make me wish for his death any less.
9:35 — Alli just pointed out how hilarious it is that they’ve asked how to make college affordable again. As if 50 years ago all the poor people went to college to learn how to make it rich writing Horatio Alger novels.
9:37 — Charlie Gibson just asked how they are going to make the oil companies give back money. Essentially.
9:39 — Obama is going to spend $150 billion over 10 years for a Manhattan Project!
9:40 — Both candidates were just asked how they would use George W. Bush. I would use him for a … oh, you know where this is going.
9:41 — Ooh, the final question is coming up. (After a commercial break.) Here’s what it could be:
- Are you a gay?
- If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
- Can you believe the Phillies lost on a Michael Bourn homer tonight?
- What’s your sign?
- What’s your favorite brand of whiskey?
9:46 — The last part of the Constitution to be read tonight is the, uh, the Bill of Rights — the First Amendment part about religion. They also showed the gun part of the Bill of Rights earlier before the gun question.
9:47 — Charlie Gibson just said this was a fascinating debate. He is clearly a moron. There is no other explanation.
9:48 — Hillary essentially just said people were bitter. Not in those words, but she said that.
9:51 — Obama said something and I wasn’t paying attention, and now the debate is over. Oh, Obama ended on hope and change, though he didn’t use those two words.
9:52 — That debate: Worst moment in world history since the Plague, or maybe since Jesus died. Or I guess that second one was good. But then why do people get mad at Jews for it?
9:53 — Now there’s a heartburn medication ad. This is better than anything in the debate.
9:57 — Oh, and Obama and Clinton are now signing autographs! And while this debate was the worst exercise in democracy ever, this might be worse.